the blood attracts my hopes...

Like being torn apart, this sorrow overtakes my hopes and thrashes them about as a dog with a pheasent. What is it that I so desperately seek? How much I desire companionship, but so find everyone of any remote interest as repulsive as a sickness. Will I die alone? Such thoughts sound like absent minded threats put forth from a child, but after years of love's departure these threats become truths. How weary am I from this chase. I am not but an impossible distance from the rabbit, but running the opposite direction. Love, why hast thou forsaken me? you always get what you deserve. I don't know if the sentance fits the crime, but I'm to the point of exhaustion.

Find me a place to lie in this field of fallen knives...and don't feel ill when I am cut to pieces...

heavy like the chains of sin

My stride seems hesitant and weighted as my limbs attempt to learch forward. These chains haven't haulted my travels in such a way for a time...why now? My heavy heart like an achor being tugged across a farmer's joy all but completely limits my steps toward the future. How desperately I seek to find refuge in the arms of she...but why make such idle longings when they will all but become my undoing? Love you traitor. affection you devil. Desire my enemy. How many times will you sugar-coat these vipers? How many times will I endulge in their lushness? Love, like a swallowed demon, does nothing but destroy whats on the inside. How very funny this all is.

The night brings with it a cold, empty power, that seeks only to make a fool of my pride and resistance to love's ploys.

Lord, why am I chosen to be alone? How I long to know the plan for my sufferings. How I long for her embrace, her hand in mine, her eyes in the moonlight. Perchance love is only for others...I pray my foolish words are just that...foolish.

Sleep, you are my only true refuge from the storm. How I desire your embrace, but dread the distance to your arms.

Tomarrow is a new day --> Give me strength.

return of the king

With time as an allie, how can I be defeated? Perhaps that was another subject. Too hard to know such panderings of the mind. I don't truely understand the feelings that seem to consume my entirety. My happiness, like a hiker submerged under the snow of a catastrophe, finds itself suffocated under this emotion that hangs. Depression is far more potent, sorrow far more painful. Perhaps I am just in a desperate quest for companionship, whether it be by friend of romance. Such a difficult sweater to unravel, this life, yet how wonderful are its complications.

I can honestly state my desire for love. Love of another's company, another's glow, another's touch. How brilliant is it to have made such looming casualties on lust. My addiction to its poisons are fleeting, but like mustard gases always present in the trenches. I do still crave affection, but must remain steadfast in my true desire for love. Am I hopeless? Will i find what I so desperately search for? At times I favor the ideals of Ponce de Leon; searching for what you know may very well not exist. Such quests are the fodder of legends and lore...it wouldn't go against me completely to have such titles surronding my memory.

I will wait for you, where ever you are. (Please don't be late)