its just a little empty she said

This town is heartless. There really isn't any other way around it. I can only pray that I have yet to 'get the hang' of things thus far, but I can't imagine living here by choice. This truely is no place to meet a woman as well. Everyone is phony as well insulting in some way or another. Perhaps I am just venting. I wish I could get a sense of accomplishment one of these days. It seems like I have such a time completing even a simple task. I supoose I just need to get a hold of whatever is going on. Hopefully it will come with time. There really is no direction to this rant...just a rant. Just a rant.

Being alone is only bad when you're with somone else

I'm missing a part of my chest. It remains spattered across the thresh-hold of an east lincoln home. I wish I could feel a longing for what I've lost, but all I can do is remind myself of what I've done. There will come a day when I am at peace with being alone. I only long for that time to be this day. How much more could be accomplished without thinking constantly on love. How I hate the word. How it brings with it nothing but misery entangled with pain. How I long for it. How I wish I could be so swept away in love that the world and its cares would no longer matter to this tattered soul. Life you are cruel to this old fool. My hat comes off to your skill. She appears each time I close my eyes, she remains when they are open. This emotion, sitting in my chest like the hot lead my skull so earnestly desires, respects not the rules.

It is your fault. You should not have let yourself become open. You should not have dreamed. You have a task at hand. There is no time for this love. There is no time for this idle doddling. You have too much ahead. Too much ahead. Stay strong. You will survive the rigors of this life and have thick skin enough to laugh at these distant-foreign memories. You will succeed. You will take the world. You need only to withstand the clutches of this life. If just wasn't 'meant' to be just like the hundred before her. You thought she was special, but they all hurt just as the one before. There is no difference amongst them. Stay far from their clasp and you shall succeed.

Matt, this is yourself asking you to wise up, and hang tough. We can get through this if you will allow it. Take control. Take control. Love is not for you. Get it outta your skull. Love is for those who want to be forgotten. Your legend will never die. Your legend will never die. YOU WILL NEVER DIE. Crush the world. Crush them all. Make them long for what they cannot have. You will be the best, you are the best, and you will always be the best. We need them not. Destruction is your only ally. Pain your komrade, desire your confidant.

They can't stop us now.

begining of the end

Last night as the lights went down, I realized I had completed my final production as an undergraduate student. I will be man enough to state that I did find myself misty eyed as I walked free of the main stage area and into the dressing rooms. For as much as I've struggled and complained about what I've done, I don't think I would trade it for anything. I had a good run. A rough series of consecutive years, but with great successes in their wake. I can not complain for that.

Now there is but a handful of loose ends to tie up before I may graduate and I must admit I'm a little nervous about that. When you come to this point, after all these years of struggle and hardship, I look back at it all and wish I could do it again. Could I try harder, could I have worked harder, am I really ready for what lies ahead?

Yes. Yes I think I am. Such an odd thing, this life. I think its time to find out a little 'moore' about mine.

the blood attracts my hopes...

Like being torn apart, this sorrow overtakes my hopes and thrashes them about as a dog with a pheasent. What is it that I so desperately seek? How much I desire companionship, but so find everyone of any remote interest as repulsive as a sickness. Will I die alone? Such thoughts sound like absent minded threats put forth from a child, but after years of love's departure these threats become truths. How weary am I from this chase. I am not but an impossible distance from the rabbit, but running the opposite direction. Love, why hast thou forsaken me? you always get what you deserve. I don't know if the sentance fits the crime, but I'm to the point of exhaustion.

Find me a place to lie in this field of fallen knives...and don't feel ill when I am cut to pieces...

heavy like the chains of sin

My stride seems hesitant and weighted as my limbs attempt to learch forward. These chains haven't haulted my travels in such a way for a time...why now? My heavy heart like an achor being tugged across a farmer's joy all but completely limits my steps toward the future. How desperately I seek to find refuge in the arms of she...but why make such idle longings when they will all but become my undoing? Love you traitor. affection you devil. Desire my enemy. How many times will you sugar-coat these vipers? How many times will I endulge in their lushness? Love, like a swallowed demon, does nothing but destroy whats on the inside. How very funny this all is.

The night brings with it a cold, empty power, that seeks only to make a fool of my pride and resistance to love's ploys.

Lord, why am I chosen to be alone? How I long to know the plan for my sufferings. How I long for her embrace, her hand in mine, her eyes in the moonlight. Perchance love is only for others...I pray my foolish words are just that...foolish.

Sleep, you are my only true refuge from the storm. How I desire your embrace, but dread the distance to your arms.

Tomarrow is a new day --> Give me strength.

return of the king

With time as an allie, how can I be defeated? Perhaps that was another subject. Too hard to know such panderings of the mind. I don't truely understand the feelings that seem to consume my entirety. My happiness, like a hiker submerged under the snow of a catastrophe, finds itself suffocated under this emotion that hangs. Depression is far more potent, sorrow far more painful. Perhaps I am just in a desperate quest for companionship, whether it be by friend of romance. Such a difficult sweater to unravel, this life, yet how wonderful are its complications.

I can honestly state my desire for love. Love of another's company, another's glow, another's touch. How brilliant is it to have made such looming casualties on lust. My addiction to its poisons are fleeting, but like mustard gases always present in the trenches. I do still crave affection, but must remain steadfast in my true desire for love. Am I hopeless? Will i find what I so desperately search for? At times I favor the ideals of Ponce de Leon; searching for what you know may very well not exist. Such quests are the fodder of legends and lore...it wouldn't go against me completely to have such titles surronding my memory.

I will wait for you, where ever you are. (Please don't be late)

the barrel smokes...bellows

How interesting. I feel I have grown to such a high degree as of late. What is it that my heart truely desires? Is it riches? Is it credibility? Had this question have landed on my doorstep but a week ago, I'm quite certain the previous said 'goals' would have rang true.

How much one's life may change in a week.

What better of a life than one of service. Not merely a service to myself, but a service to my fellow man, a service to the heart of the true dreamers. Oh how I tire of my readings of our so called 'celebrities' and their latest batch of squabbles over senseless muses, while the true artists live a life of service to their art. I need to take on that very same service, reach for the stars and show the world the stars are in our reach, and can be plucked by all who so seek to full-fill their dreams.

Jack Johnson was a man who lived not by the rules set forth by the men who made the rules, but by a greater power: the rules of humanity in which everyone is gifted, special, and blessed. Jack Johnson was faced with obstacles I could only fear to imagine and overcame them all. My obstacles stand meager in the shadow of such a man...how can I not attempt to reach for those very stars. It takes just one to change the world. I might seek credence in those words.

Live. Live. Live.